Dear Flylady

Dear Flylady....

How can I say Thank You when what I really mean is: You've changed my life - entirely and completely. I am so very, very grateful.
I discovered FLYlady on 15th September 2010. I felt like I had a lot going on in my life.... My beautiful baby girl was 4 months old and was what's commonly known as a "high needs baby".... she seemed to need me every single minute - day and night. I was also working hard on establishing our kitchen business - my (at the time) partner had been made redundant the week our daughter was born so A LOT of energy was being ploughed into preparing our showroom, website, marketing materials, etc...
Add that to the fact we'd combined TWO households of clutter in the months just before our daughter was born, and I thought "routine" was a cuss word. Things were in a mess, and I felt like I was drowning.

I feel so sad now when I think of how much I beat myself up in the first year of my daughters life, about not knowing how to keep a home. I'd feel ashamed everytime anyone came to visit and felt like such a failure when I'd have to send the ironing to my MIL.

But I found your website, and I started to flutter.... slowly at first.... but bit by bit, things began to change.
The first thing I noticed was the light!! The three bedrooms in our home are all at the end of a long hallway, and the doors had always been kept closed in case anyone would see the CHAOS... but using 15 minutes at a time, I began to get to a point where I could leave the doors open without being ashamed, and our home felt bigger and brighter.

As if I didn't have enough to deal with, we decided to get married - and not only that, but to host the wedding ourselves, in a marquee behind our home. I dread to think what it would have been like without FLYlady! I can't say it was stressfree.... I still hadn't got my routines in place, but the principles of decluttering meant that I could manage to get my home ready (although can I admit to 'stashing and dashing' A LOT of stuff in the week before the wedding?!). So in May 2011 I married my DH, and the following day we celebrated our daughters first birthday - over 200 people in my home over 2 days!!! Best of all, with the help of my Mum I was able to leave my home two days later knowing that i didn't have to dread coming home to a mess after our honeymoon!! I was so grateful to you, Flylady, for giving me the skills to create a home I could open the doors too!

It felt great... but i didn't feel like I was flying until September this year when I decided to jump on board with the 'monthly habits'. It co-incided with my reading a book about 'Simplicity Parenting' which helped shift my mindset. Before then I'd believed that trying to create a routine for my daughter was unnecessary and potentially harmful, but your wise words and the wisdom in that book helped me to realise that it didn't have to be rigid and legalistic - it was about creating security for my daughter, and if it helped me out - well that had to be a bonus! At this point, getting my daughter to fall asleep could take HOURS.... it left me frustrated, exhausted, and feeling like a failure - both as a mother, and as a home maker - as it meant that shining the sink every night felt impossible. Whaddya know? Within a week of implementing a (fairly strict) bedtime routine for my little one, she started to fall asleep by 7:30!!! WOW!!!! What a relief that was, after 15 months of bedtime battles!! And so my own evening routine became possible, and my sink was (almost always) shiny when I went to bed.... Knowing how to fall asleep meant she also started to nap at a regular time during the day. WOW WOW WOW!!! Anyone who has a little one who seems to need 24/7 will know what a blessing that is!! All of a sudden I could manage to keep up with my ironing too!

It feels to me as if it was just in time..... just before that I had hit a real low, and admitted to my husband and mum that I regretted having my daughter. I'd suffered from depression in the past, and felt as if I was being overwhelmed by it again, but having a routine meant that I could get more rest, and take care of yourself. Part of the healing is reading your loving words in the daily digest every morning before i get out of bed. I've realised that i am worth taking care of too - and so in the last weeks i've started to do things that I enjoy! like cooking different recipes (I have a lamb, borlotti bean & tomato casserole in the crock pot at the minute that smells *really* good!), scrapbooking, and most importantly for me, getting outside every single day into the fresh air and getting some exercise!

I'm very blessed in my life to have my Mum, who is a childminder and so can care for my daughter two days per week - that time means I can work on our business, and bless our home weekly. I consider myself equally blessed to have found you - you've taught me how to create a home that I can be proud of. A home that is clean, and fresh and can be filled with good food, family and friends - without shame. Without your help, I believe that depression may have sucked me under, and robbed my daughter of the fun, loving Mum I want to be to her.

Today I am sitting in a home that is not perfect.... but it is clean. All of our living space is free of clutter, and I have been able to bless so many people and charities with what I've flung. Best of all, I now believe that I will be able to cope when (God willing), our family grows - I wouldn't have been able to face going through it again if things hadn't changed!!

A while back, you asked for tips on FLYing with a baby / toddler. Here's my summary of how I've made this work for me through these times

FLYing with a baby....
- Don't use a timer to beat yourself up with.
My daughter used to nap for sometimes only 20-30 minutes at a time and I'd get frustrated with myself when I didnt' get to finish my 7 or 15 minutes.... so, to be kind to myself, as soon as she fell asleep I'd set the timer for 15 minutes 'me time' - to sit and have a cup of tea in peace, or to just switch off from the constant demands. The rest of her nap time I'd try and declutter or do daily missions - but I stopped beating myself up that, at this time in my life, the timer didn't really work for me. When my baby needs me, she needs me.

- Don't try to do it all yourself
Your kind words helped me to accept that I'm not a failure because i can't do everything. I was letting my ironing pile up higher and higher believing I *should* be able to get to it. Instead I realised that other people like to be able to help when they can see someone struggling, and so instead I started to do a load of laundry every day and send my daughter and husbands clothes to my MIL to be ironed (she doesn't mind!). I'm proud that now I don't need to - but I've promised myself that I will let her help again if we are blessed with another child. In the early weeks and months I'll also ask somebody else to do my weekly home blessing. People always ask "is there anything I can do to help" - and know I'll know what to tell them, and won't be ashamed to have them open any door in the house!

- Zone your house for visitors
If clutter is an issue and stops a room from ever feeling company ready, then start off by dealing with the rooms your guests will be in. People love to visit babies!! and so I often had people calling I didn't know very well.... If the kitchen, bathroom and hallway were clear then I didn't have to panic when the doorbell rang

- Be ruthless with gifts
I have just today (in the childs bedroom 27 fling boogie!) decluttered several items from on top of her wardrobe which were given as new baby and Christening gifts. If you don't need or love something, either return it to the store (if you can) for a credit note, or pass it on to bless somebody else. This is especially true with childrens clothes. We were incredibly grateful that several people donated bags of their own childrens clothes but i allowed myself to drown in them in the early months before i learnt it was okay just to keep what we need/what suits our taste, and pass the rest on right away.

My tips for FLYing with a toddler

- Get them involved
My LO loves being given a damp rag to clean and dust when I am doing it, she's got a mini washing up bowl and sponge and she gets to play with water in her high chair after dinner while I clear up, and her favourite thing to do is load laundry into the machine!! "Make it fun (for them) and it will get done (slowly.... but with a lot less of a fight for you!"

- Simplify their toys
This really became an issue for us after her first birthday, when she received so many gifts. Even when I'd tidy up, there were so many toys everywhere that it never looked clutter free. And the book I mention above helped me to realise that toys can be clutter too! On their advice I took 3/4 of her toys away and put them into storage - she didn't miss them at all!! My daughter now has one cupboard in each room (kitchen and two living rooms) - and no more. We're going to do another fling pre-Christmas to ensure that the clutter doesn't build back up. She actually plays BETTER now and her concentration span increased almost the minute the excess toys were gone!!

- Create routines that involve everyone
Up until we began to stick to a routine, I did everything myself - partly because it wasn't clear in my head what needed done. Once I knew what needed done, it was easier to share that with my husband. After dinner we BOTH clear up, and he feeds the critters (one dog, two goats, three cats and four ducks!) whilst i bath the LO, I dress her for bed and nurse her, and then we take it night about to put her to sleep. Would you believe that up until we created a routine I had done every single bedtime myself?! (apart from the nights when I was at my very wits end and left her with my Mum!)

- Zone your house for playing
Your child does not always need to be able to play in every room of the house. Instead of always keeping every door open - and having to clear toys out of every room, every night - I now keep the door closed to the front living room so it is always company ready for weekends. Most of the time I keep the door closed to the playroom too, so it's always fresh and tidy for playdates, etc. If your child has enough space in one or two rooms then keep them there! and you'll only need to tidy toys away in that one room at the end of the day