Ambivalence

I'm feeling tired today...
My nose is stuffed up, my head feels heavy and I was awake for most of the night

It's frustrating to feel this way today: I had so many intentions for the time when Rose was away, but I feel it's been wasted. Realistically - at least I got the Christmas gifts organised and packed away so they're no longer cluttering up the dining room, and I got the nappies washed and hung up, along with doing some paperwork for the business

I would have liked to have done my weekly home blessing - and I can't decide whether to be annoyed with myself for procrascinating or to give myself a break...I've been doing so well lately with keeping on top of the housework that it feels like a backwards step to have missed a day. I still have the possibility of doing it tomorrow morning - but I know it's unlikely when I'm on my own with Rose all day.

I've had a very positive week, in the main - I got the VAT return done, got some personal paperwork organised, and some decluttering done. I've had two 'settling in' sessions with the child I'm going to childmind - and that's gone well. Yesterday I was feeling pretty positive too - treated myself to a haircut, and even made the extra effort to stay up later so that I could go to bed with my husband for a change!

That may have something to do with my ambivalence today...In my heart I feel like our family is ready for another baby. I'd love to have that feeling again (not the morning sickness, perhaps... but the magic of seeing and feeling a life grow within me), and I feel like it would be a gift that Rose seems ready for - especially after seeing how beautifully she 'shared' me when the other little boy was here.

In my head I'm scared - my pregnancy was so difficult the first time around, and I like to hope I'll be able to manage my symptoms better this time, but I'm scared of sacrificing the pleasure I can take in Rose's toddlerhood. I'm nervous too about going back into the black hole that was Rose's first year. Rationally, I know it won't be the same. For one thing, I've already made that massive psychological jump to being a Mother. First time around I had a hard time reconciling my 'ideal' of motherhood with the reality of it... so in a way I feel as if I'd be going into it with my eyes opened.

On a practical level, I'm probably better equipped now than I was pre-Rose. FLYlady has transformed the way I manage my home, and so I hope that by using those routines I could maintain a home environment I want to be in!

Added to which the business is slightly more established now, so shouldn't really be as intensive as it was during Rose's early months. I'll still have responsibilities, and still need to support my husband - but there shouldn't be so much physical effort on my part.

In the end though, it's out of my hands. We've DTD and the rest, really, is in God's hands. All that i can do is pray for His will to be done - whether that's the arrival next year of a little Daniel or Lucy, or if it is another year or so dedicated to growing alongside my precious Rose.

What would I do differently, if we were to be blessed with another baby?
I won't stress about where the little one goes to sleep, or if they self settle or not - I intend to fully research my options for baby carriers (as opposed to just physically carrying Rose in my arms all the time!) and I'll co-sleep full time from the start instead of all the tears I shed cot-side as I tried and tried and tried to teach her to sleep on her own without letting her cy (what was I thinking!!!!! How could I have expected something that is so contradictary to infant nature!!!)

I'll ask for help: perhaps ask somebody to come weekly to maintain the basic cleanliness of the house, let MIL do hubbys washing, invite people to come for - and cook - dinner, instead of trying to do it all myself and hating myself when I felt I'd failed.

I'll understand that it is an achievement to get through each day with two happy little people. and I'll remind myself often that it is up to me to be happy too.

I know I'll miss the times I had with Rose - a second baby will never get the same attention the first one did, inevitably. When I think back, it seems like the start of the most intense love affair... spending full days curled up in bed together, watching her just revelling in the comfort of being close to her mama... the sensuality of that beautiful baby soft skin... kissing the tiny toes... watching her breathing, and her eyelids fluttering while she slept.....
How can I contemplate feeling the same way about somebody else? When she is still the truest, most perfect love I've known?

oh well.... I guess I won't know for a while how that will pan out... it's all in God's hands.