As a little girl, I dreamt of the Perfect Husband... I would be the Perfect Wife, and together we would live in a beautiful home and raise our Perfect children.
Instead, since having our beautiful daughter, I've found myself being JEALOUS! of single mothers!! A man who was in our home yesterday was telling us he'd split up from the mother of his child, but that he looked after his daughter four nights a week..... wow!! what would I give for those nights off at the minute!!
I imagined having a third less laundry; no newspapers lying around; not having to think about what to feed him everyday!; not to have to entertain his friends when they call in the evenings;
Now since I've been cutting myself a bit of slack lately, and allowing myself to be not so perfect after all, I thought it only fair to allow my husband the same leeway so i've been thinking...
Instead of being sad that he rarely says 'I Love You', I'm trying to be thankful everytime he says 'I'll do it', or 'Let me help', or even 'How are you'?
Instead of sighing that he never buys me flowers, I'll remember it's more useful that he brings home milk and fresh bread, and always asks when he's going out if he can bring anything home from the shop.
We may not share many romantic candlelit dinners, but we're both committed to family dinnertimes every day, and; even better! he gives Rose her breakfast most days so I can dress in peace
We don't often for romantic walks together like me & my Perfect Husband would have... but he takes our little girl out on his lawnmower, or to visit her grandparents, or to feed the ducks... and that's the sweetest thing :)
We may not have sex as often as i would like (did I mention, once I got a bit older, I always expected to have lots of Perfect Sex with my Perfect Husband?), but he rubs my feet when I'm tired in the evening, and shares big family hugs and cuddles at bedtime. He doesn't even mind that I've been sharing a bed with our daughter for 16 months instead of with him! (okay, okay... so Perfect Husband would perhaps have bought a bigger bed so we all slept together...oh, and Perfect Husband would like sex in the mornings, and afternoons too instead of believing it can only be done in bed, at night... but I'm not meant to be thinking about Mr Perfect, am I? lol)
Yes, I'd love to be able to send Rose to "her Dads" and have a night or two off.... but I'd miss both of them pretty quickly I'm sure!
He may be irritating at times, but he wasn't around who'd cut the lawn? and take the car to the mechanic? and feed the animals (that *I* wanted) when it was raining?
In the last 30 months, I've supported him through a heartbreaking divorce (his wife left him months before I met him); We've conceived a child together; I left my job, he lost his; for 9 months he carried me ice pops and flat pepsi when I was sick and pregnant. He was there - holding me up - when I gave birth to our baby. With blood, sweat and tears we've started a business and built a life.
We share a business, a home, a child, four ducks, three cats and a dog.
We were two sad, lonely, searching people and now we're a family. and if he's not Perfect? well neither am I. And on reflection? it looks like he's perfect for me.
Friday 30 September 2011
Tuesday 27 September 2011
Guilt
Why do I feel I have to justify my time spent on myself?
In an effort to be a happier and better balanced Mama I'm trying to make more of an effort to do the things that used to bring me comfort and pleasure... but it's hard to justify sitting at the computer talking to yourself, about yourself, when there is so much else to be done.
Today has been one of those pretty hectic days....
drop Rose at the childminder, pick up groceries and run errands, call with a neighbour who needs some help at the minute, washing away, groceries away, paperwork, phonecalls, tax credits to sort out.... Despite the fact that I have been busy from 8am this morning through until 4pm I still feel like I've achived very little, and no matter how much you do it seems as if there's always more to be done.
Sometimes I feel like I need a pressure valve at the back of my neck to let off steam!! After a very busy day I'm looking forward to giving my girl a cuddle when she comes through the door, but I just wish I could guarantee a peaceful family evening instead of frustration and impatience. The worst part of it is that I realise how irrational my feelings are at the moment, but feel helpless to stop them.
Yes... Rose is going to say NO a million times between getting home and going to sleep, but it's a phase!! She's just figuring out her own will and really, I'm very blessed to have such an intelligent, determined girl.... it just gets wearing sometimes. I want to always be ready with kisses and cuddles. I want a family full of fun and laughter.. I just don't know how to get there when I feel so exhausted all the time.
On the plus side, we're having stir fry tonight.... Oh how it makes me laugh to watch my girl with her noodles :) One of life's little pleasures that i have to remember to count!!
So in the interests of good mental health ;) here's my blessing list for the day
I am blessed: to have the resources and knowledge to feed my family well; to have a safe family home where we can eat and share together and know we are safe; to have a beautiful, healthy, funny daughter; to have hot water so we can share a splashy bath together; to have access to wonderful stories to share with my girl; to have heat, and light, and comfort in our home.
I am blessed that my daughter falls asleep everynight with her mama or daddy beside her, and as a result she knows beyond doubt how loved and precious she is. I am blessed to have access to information to support my views, and a family who support me in what i believe in - even if they think it's a bit kooky!
I am blessed that once my daughter is sleeping, I have a husband who loves me, and cares for our family, and to be able to go and cuddle on the sofa and get my feet rubbed might not feel like much, but those are the moments that glue us together.
I am blessed to have good friends, so that tomorrow we will have lots of fun and laughter
I'll be even more blessed if I get off my butt now and make the most of the last hour before Rose gets home from the childminders, so that I can bless us all with a clean home!! Timer at the ready.... it's time for Home Blessing Hour.
In an effort to be a happier and better balanced Mama I'm trying to make more of an effort to do the things that used to bring me comfort and pleasure... but it's hard to justify sitting at the computer talking to yourself, about yourself, when there is so much else to be done.
Today has been one of those pretty hectic days....
drop Rose at the childminder, pick up groceries and run errands, call with a neighbour who needs some help at the minute, washing away, groceries away, paperwork, phonecalls, tax credits to sort out.... Despite the fact that I have been busy from 8am this morning through until 4pm I still feel like I've achived very little, and no matter how much you do it seems as if there's always more to be done.
Sometimes I feel like I need a pressure valve at the back of my neck to let off steam!! After a very busy day I'm looking forward to giving my girl a cuddle when she comes through the door, but I just wish I could guarantee a peaceful family evening instead of frustration and impatience. The worst part of it is that I realise how irrational my feelings are at the moment, but feel helpless to stop them.
Yes... Rose is going to say NO a million times between getting home and going to sleep, but it's a phase!! She's just figuring out her own will and really, I'm very blessed to have such an intelligent, determined girl.... it just gets wearing sometimes. I want to always be ready with kisses and cuddles. I want a family full of fun and laughter.. I just don't know how to get there when I feel so exhausted all the time.
On the plus side, we're having stir fry tonight.... Oh how it makes me laugh to watch my girl with her noodles :) One of life's little pleasures that i have to remember to count!!
So in the interests of good mental health ;) here's my blessing list for the day
I am blessed: to have the resources and knowledge to feed my family well; to have a safe family home where we can eat and share together and know we are safe; to have a beautiful, healthy, funny daughter; to have hot water so we can share a splashy bath together; to have access to wonderful stories to share with my girl; to have heat, and light, and comfort in our home.
I am blessed that my daughter falls asleep everynight with her mama or daddy beside her, and as a result she knows beyond doubt how loved and precious she is. I am blessed to have access to information to support my views, and a family who support me in what i believe in - even if they think it's a bit kooky!
I am blessed that once my daughter is sleeping, I have a husband who loves me, and cares for our family, and to be able to go and cuddle on the sofa and get my feet rubbed might not feel like much, but those are the moments that glue us together.
I am blessed to have good friends, so that tomorrow we will have lots of fun and laughter
I'll be even more blessed if I get off my butt now and make the most of the last hour before Rose gets home from the childminders, so that I can bless us all with a clean home!! Timer at the ready.... it's time for Home Blessing Hour.
Friday 23 September 2011
Hello! Who are we?
Hello...
Let me introduce myself.
I'm Katy. I'm 26 years old, and since May 22nd 2010 I have been getting to know my wonderful little girl, Rose
Over these 16 months she has been my centre, but as she gets a little older and begins to move into independence, its time to find myself again. Two weeks ago I admitted to those closest to me that I was struggling with depression.
It's a battle that plagued my teenage years, but with the use of CBT and self help techniques I overcame it - and this time round I realised that as soon as acknowledged my feelings I already had the tools to manage it.
Not only that, I remembered that I believe we all need to be mindful of ourselves, and to consciously keep growing. So I hope to use this blog to consciously grow as a person, and learn from my daughter as she does the same.
Let me introduce myself.
I'm Katy. I'm 26 years old, and since May 22nd 2010 I have been getting to know my wonderful little girl, Rose
Over these 16 months she has been my centre, but as she gets a little older and begins to move into independence, its time to find myself again. Two weeks ago I admitted to those closest to me that I was struggling with depression.
It's a battle that plagued my teenage years, but with the use of CBT and self help techniques I overcame it - and this time round I realised that as soon as acknowledged my feelings I already had the tools to manage it.
Not only that, I remembered that I believe we all need to be mindful of ourselves, and to consciously keep growing. So I hope to use this blog to consciously grow as a person, and learn from my daughter as she does the same.
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